It's Hell Being Without You
by Matoi Ryuko
Summary: Yumi is in love with Ami and is slowly drifting apart from her as well as anyone else she's ever come to know. Isolation has made her cold and now she constantly suffers from self harm and a few nasty habits. The two best friends fight which brings them apart even more. What will happen next, and what will become of these two girls? (Ami x Yumi)


**Author's Note: Hello, Hello everyone! I truly hope all is well c:. Something hit me today and brought me back to my childhood, where I used to adore ****_Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi. _****(I'm still obsessed with it and love it to this very day). This is a love story between Ami and Yumi, meaning that this is a YURI fanfiction, so if you don't like that, please click elsewhere instead of leaving rude comments. That would be very much appreciated.**

**In this fic, I have a general idea of what I would like to go on and what I would like to get out of it, so I am rating it M and for good reason. This fanfiction will most likely consist of sexual themes, violence, harsh language, yuri, self harm and drug use. If you do not like any of these things then this might not be for you. You have been warned. **

**I'm not going to say that younger viewers should not read because they probably will regardless. Just be mindful that this will probably not be for younger children.**

**Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Cartoon Network or Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi. I do not own anything but this story and I am in no way associated with any of the characters.**

**And I will try to use some Japanese references in there, but if there are some who do not understand, I will leave the English translation beside it. **

* * *

**Chapter 1**

It was just before dawn in the Puffy bus. All was completely silent because everyone was still fast asleep.. With the exception of one certain Indigo-haired woman, or better known as the _Goddess Of Rock._ This was not an unusual behavior for her as of late. This day was just another sleepless one for her. She couldn't remember a night where she had sweet dreams in a long time, and were now full of unforgiving nightmares which always consisted of her inner monsters telling her that she was as good as a scrap of rubbish littered on a cold stone slab.

The woman had everything she could have dreamed of. She achieved her _dream!_ That was surely not easy to come by these days anymore. To top that all off, she made her dreams a reality alongside her best friend. What more could she really ask for? _Hontōni, nani mo nai _(Nothing really). There was just something deep in her heart that made her feel so empty, but she didn't have a clue what it was. She often thought because it was her nightmares and her inner self telling her that she was never good enough, but then she also realized something.. Yumi sometimes thought that she was possibly falling in love with her dearest friend in the entire world. No, she didn't think, she knew, and it caused her pain every single day. More so than her inner voices. It took a while for Yumi to come to terms with her own feelings, as she has battled them, but it was no use. The feeling in her heart would not go away but she felt as though she couldn't possibly tell her. It would ruin their friendship! But now because of these hidden feelings, it has made Yumi more.. Cold.

. . .

Later on in the same day, Yumi was still in bed. It was only eight o'clock.. still too early for the rock goddess to start her day, but then she heard a loud, obnoxious knock at her door. There was a faint voice, barely audible to her, but the pounding on the door was all too loud and clear. Although she could hardly hear the voice on the other side of the door, she could tell who it was. The only person with enough balls to disturb the only sense of peace she could find.

"That old fuck-wad is just asking for death, isn't he?" She said, extremely irritated.

"ANATA WA ITTAI NANI O SHITAIDESU KA, KAZ!?" (What the hell do you want, Kaz?!)

The banging suddenly stopped as the door slid opened. Before the small man could step in, Yumi grabbed the first thing she could get her hands on, atop her tall black dresser, which just happened to be a freshly sharpened pencil and chucked it at him with full force, barely missing his face. The poor man's eyes went wide in fear.

"What the hell, Yumi?! I just came to wake you up because you girls have a rehearsal in just two hours! Get a hold of yourself and get out of bed. Ami made breakfast."

Yumi would feel bad, that is if she hadn't grown so cold over time. She groaned and swung her legs off her bed completely stressed out so early in the morning.

"God, I need a smoke.."

Oh.. And let's not forget about Yumi's bad habits, or hazards, more like..

When all of these overwhelming emotions and problems arouse for our Indigo-haired rock goddess, things inside of her began to swell. These things told her that her habits were her only escape from her bittersweet reality. Even her own habits were just bittersweet, A temporary escape that left her with something like a horrible after-taste or just the loss of her judgment.

Yumi got up completely and walked into her purple-painted bathroom, the same color as her room and opened up her medicine cabinet, where she hid her many packs of cigarettes to fill her lungs, her lighters, to ignite the sticks of cancer between her naturally rosy lips that all girls would kill for, and some bottles of saké for those nights when Yumi wanted everything to be a blur in the morning. Oh, there were also a few razor blades stashed in there, most she broke off from new pencil sharpeners she purchased just for the purpose of hurting herself.

Before taking a small white and grey pack out from the top shelf, she looked at her scarred up arm. Each scar made her sick, but she could not stop creating more of them. She thought to herself that they were hideous, that _she _was hideous even though she was not. In all honesty, Yumi was just about one of the most beautiful things people see. Her hard-core attitude and style just seemed to make her even more attractive because she wasn't afraid to be who she is. Ami was just as beautiful, but a different type. She was more cutesy and gentle.

The more Yumi looked at her arms and her reflection in the smaller mirror next to her stash of hazards, the more she was angered. She took out all the things she needed for self-satisfaction and a razor blade then she slammed the cabinet door closed.

"Screw this shit. Screw it all." She mumbled to herself as she sat on the toilet seat, cigarette between her pointer and middle finger and lighter in her other hand. She brought the stick up to her lips and stuck it between her teeth and lit the darn thing as she took a deep breath in, letting all the smoke travel into her lungs. She exhaled as the grey cloud came out of her nose and mouth at the same time. She immediately seemed more at ease. As she put the small stick back between her thin, black painted fingers, she looked at her arms once again..

"So worthless and pathetic.." Yumi mumbled to herself. "I leave myself no choice but to do this yet again.

And without anymore hesitation, she picked up the small blade, placing it on her soft, creamy vanilla skin and then dragged it across. Pain surged throughout her arm as she let out a small scream. Yumi let the cherry red blood ooze from her fresh-cut a bit before placing the cigarette back between her teeth. The blood kept running down until it reached her knuckles and covered her entire arm. She took one puff after the other until the entire stick was gone. She then threw the remains into the toilet and flushed them down. Yumi then got up and put all of her things away, closing the door again and looking at her reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. She was crying without realization. Yumi wiped away her silent tears and then proceeded to take care of her wound. She washed it off, placed a small amount of medication and then placed a bandage on it to keep away infection.

Yumi then sprayed the bathroom with air freshener to remove the smoky smell as she went back into her room to get changed into her usual attire which was quite different than before. Now Yumi wore a beautiful short black dress with her back almost completely exposed, small straps, and showed some cleavage at the same time. The bottom half of her dress was slightly puffy and showed off her creamy legs perfectly. She wore long black high heeled boots that added to her edgy-ness and she walked in them so elegantly. She now had much shorter hair. A pixie cut looking very much like Nana Osaki's. Elegant but she also managed to give an edgy flair. Yumi then slipped on her wrist bands and studded skull choker. She looked at herself one more time before walking out and damn, did she look good. Her body was perfect right down to the hairs on her head. Eyes as piercing as a sword and even without applying her usual makeup or putting her black rose pin in her hair, she was still unbelievably gorgeous. She then walked out and sat at the dining room table.

"Took you long enough, baka (stupid/idiot). It's been about a half an hour and your food is completely cold. Poor Ami wasted her time on you."

Yumi stared at Kaz, un-moved with her signature 'To cool for you or emotions' look as she shrugged her shoulders and adjusting her wrist band to fit more comfortably on her wound under the table.

Ami on the other hand glared at Kaz and looked at Yumi apologetically, as if it was her fault.

"Kaz, don't say such horrible things! That's not true at all."

One thing Yumi really loved was how Ami always stood up for her. She thought it was extremely sweet.

Kaz decided not to give anymore response and to just let it be. He got off of the chair which was way too big for him and got back behind the wheel of the puffy bus to save gas (cheap as always, Kaz).

It was completely silent at the table. The vibe was just too awkward for any type of comfort whatsoever. Ami looked to her left than right, doing all she could do avoid Yumi's beautifully haunting gaze, as it felt freezing to even look in her direction these days. Ami had to admit that Yumi was unforgivably gorgeous in a way that pink-haired girl could never comprehend. The way she moved and did things made her seem so charming, but why was she so hard to reach? Ami could feel the distance that was put between these two best friends, and she wanted to get that closeness back.

Yumi brought her black polished nails along with one of her small hands behind her head. Yumi felt sorry that her dear friend's efforts went to such waste. The rock goddess was no longer giving off her usual no emotion look and replaced with something more warm and gentle which Ami took more of a liking to. She never got to see Yumi's warm and smiling face anymore.

"Gome, Ami-chan.. (I'm sorry, Ami)"

She stopped stroking her hair on the back of her head and placed an elbow on the table, resting her petite head on her palm and fingers. She sighed and looked out of a nearby window, closing her eyes before she spoke once more.

"I've wasted your time again.."

Ami's heart sank deep into her chest. She had never felt so sorry or hurt for her. She had no idea what was going on with her friend, but she wanted to help desperately. The pink-haired girl wanted to understand and ask why they don't even seem to be _friends _anymore.

Yumi then began to stand on her feet but Ami hadn't noticed since she was looking down at the small table. It was only when she heard the soft clicks of her boots the girl noticed that the other one was already leaving her.

Un-intentionally Ami ran up to and grabbed the indigo-haired goddess's hand as though she was desperate to stop the isolation. "Y-Yumi-chan! Don't go.. Please?" Yumi was taken aback by her best friend's/crush's sudden actions, but did not push her away. Ami was much shorter than Yumi now, so she would only reach up to her shoulders which Yumi found utterly adorable. The edgy woman softly smiled at her and giggled a bit. Yumi just could not be cold at a moment like this. She could not dare say no to those innocent pink eyes.

"Douku shita no.. Ami-chan? (What's wrong)"

That was just about the softest and most caring voice she thought she had ever heard the woman speak in.

"O-oh! Nothing at all, Yumi-chan." Ami stuttered.

"I-I was just wondering if you w-would like to go shopping and hang out today, after our rehearsal.. Like old times?"

Yumi could tell that she was nervous to even ask, but nonetheless, she smiled even brighter as she nodded her head. Yumi was way more excited than she let on.

"Of course, Ami-chan. Let's hurry up and get this rehearsal shit over with."

To this, Ami felt like crying tears of pure joy, but instead beamed back at Yumi before heading into her own room to get herself ready.

Yumi then sighed as she stepped into her purple room, closing the door behind her and sliding down a wall.

"Let's hope my inner voices leave me the hell alone. Just this once.. I'm begging you."

Yumi then put herself together and got up. She brushed her hair, placing her black rose pin in her hair, applying her makeup, which consisted of dark crimson shade of lipstick, lovely dark purple eye-shadow and a touch of a creamy black eyeliner and mascara, also much like Nana Osaki. Yumi then checked yet again to make sure everything was perfect. For the first time in what seemed like forever, the girl actually liked the way she looked and smiled at her own reflection in the mirror. She looked _flawless._

* * *

Quite some time had passed now. Their rehearsal was a total joy kill and too much hard work for so early in the morning. It was long and boring, and Yumi just could not stop arguing with people which, wasn't a surprise at all to Ami and Kaz. Yumi came back into the puffy bus with a throbbing headache as she just plopped herself on to the living room couch and resting an arm over her forehead.

"Holy fuck, that fucking sucked. We were there for hours.." Yumi stated a little too loudly.

Both Kaz and Ami looked at each other, than at the goddess of rock without saying a word. They both knew that it was probably not a good idea to bother her when she was complaining which happened a lot. They both knew from experience that budding in would just send the girl off and just place the cherry on top of her shitty sundae. The only thing Yumi was thinking about going for another smoke and getting some alcohol into her lungs to clear her head, but decided now was not the right time since there was still light outside in god knows wherever they were, Yumi didn't even give a damn, and since the short man and pink-haired girl were still wide awake.

Yumi then groaned a loud and obnoxious groan , losing all of her patience and threw herself to her feet while looking at the time on the small cable box in front of her, which brought her blood to boil over even more.

"What.. The fuck, Kaz? It's fucking six o'clock.. In the afternoon. I wasted my entire day sitting around and doing bullshit. All of this is absolute bullshit!"

Yumi raised and accusing pointer finger at the small man's head. The poor guy was taken so aback by Yumi's sudden outburst that he didn't even have the chance to react. Before anyone could say anything, Yumi stormed off into her room while slamming the door, mind you that she completely forgot about the plans Ami had made with her for after the rehearsal.

"Yumi-chan..?" The poor, sweet girl stood right between the kitchen and living room area, wondering what the hell was going on with her friend, and it made her feel so useless that Yumi never even talks to her.

Forgetting all about Yumi and her bad attitude, Ami walked into her best friend's room, only to find Yumi faced down, right on her purple bed with black frames. She mentally sighed and walked over to her, sitting Indian style at the edge of the rock-star's bed. Without even having to look up, Yumi knew who it was.

"Go away, Ami-chan. I'm really not in the mood for a talk. I just want to lay here and groan.." She said dryly.

Ami felt a small pain in her chest as she said that.

'She doesn't want me here? She forgot about our plans..?'

Ami had dealt with just about enough of this. This was her limit and the girl couldn't take the pain of rejection anymore, even if it's un-intentional rejection.

"I've had it with you, Yumi."

And that was enough to make the indigo-haired girl turn her head in shock to face her friend.

"Yumi-chan.. What the hell are you talking a-"

Ami quickly cut her off before she could finish her ridiculous question.

"What I'm talking about is _you _turning into a complete and total _**Asshole!**_.. I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

To this, the rock goddess bolted to her feet, looking right into the eyes of her best friend as fury slowly began to envelop her.

"An asshole?! Me?! What the fuck are you talking about? I haven't done shit to you!"

"Yes you have.. Even today you do things to me. You don't even talk to me anymore and I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of your 'took cool for you' attitude! It's all just a front you put up! I hate your stupid _fucking _act!"

And then Yumi snapped. She grabbed the collar of Ami's pink dress, tugging hard on it to bring her closer. On Ami's end of this, she was completely un-moved by this. The only thing that can be seen on her face was pure frustration, but did not fight to push her friend away, but instead, Yumi was the one to push Ami away as the smaller girl hit the wall. Yumi didn't even care about how much she loved Ami. Right now all she could think about was horrible, horrible disgust.

"First of all.. It's not an act. I really am too cool for anything." She screeched matter of fact-ly. The other girl didn't say a word, just watching the other girl and studying her carefully, more hurt than anything.

"Second of all.. And even if this was an act, I would still want to beat the crap out of you anyways, and it's not like your happy-go-lucky attitude doesn't get irritating either."

Ami got up, brushed herself off, and began to walk towards the door. She was much more upset than she let on at the moment. Before leaving, she turned around to face the monster she thought Yumi was becoming with the coldest look in her eyes.

"Whatever Yumi. I just want to help you out but you don't want to let anyone in at all, so I'm just going to stop trying. I'll see you when you decide to grace me with your presence." And with that, there came a soft thud as the door shut behind the sweet girl.

Yumi stood there, not so shocked, but just upset with Ami, but most of all, herself.

"God, I'm such a screw up."


End file.
